RetroView: UT v Florida 2009

Now the Gators gathered their forces for war and assembled at the Swamp in Gainesville. Fulmer and the Volunteers assembled and camped in the Valley of Spurrier and drew up their defensive line to meet the Gators. The Gators occupied one locker room and the Volunteers another, with the field between them.

A champion named Tebow, who was from Ponte Verde Beach, came out of the Gator locker room. He was over nine feet tall. He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore shoulder pads of scale armor of bronze weighing the same as his tremendous ego; on his legs he wore bronze shin guards, and his bronze Heisman Trophy was slung on his back. His arm was like a weaver's rod, and its accuracy had made even LSU’s defense cry. His offensive line went ahead of him.

Tebow stood and shouted to the team from Tennessee, "Why do you come out and line up for battle? Am I not a living legend, and are you not the recruits of Phillip Fulmer? Choose a coach and have him come down to me. If he is able to fight and beat the line on this game, we will concede the victory; but if I overcome him and score more than thirty points, you will immediately declare us National Champions for life." Then the Gator said, "This day I defy the team from Tennessee! Give me a coach and let us fight each other." On hearing the Gator's words, all the Volunteer fans were dismayed and terrified.

Now Lane Kiffin was the son of a great defensive co-ordinator named Monte, who was from the Buccaneers of Tampa Bay. Now Monte said to his son Lane, "Take me with you, and Ed Orgeron, and hurry to Knoxville. Take along these inflammatory comments for the media. See how miserable the Vol fans are and let us bring some assurances to them. They are with Fulmer and all the co-ordinators with inert careers in the Valley of Spurrier, fighting against the Gators."

Early in the morning the Kiffins loaded up and set out. Lane reached the game as the team was going out to its kick-off positions, shouting the war cry, “Rocky Top.” Tennessee and the Gators were drawing up their lines facing each other. Lane Kiffin left his things with Dave Clawson, ran to the sidelines and greeted the fans. As he was talking with them, Tebow, the Gator champion from Ponte Verde Beach, stepped out from his lines and shouted his usual defiance, and Lane Kiffin heard it.

Now the Volunteers had been saying, "Do you see how this man keeps coming out? He comes out to defy Tennessee. Mike Hamilton will give great wealth to the man who overcomes the line on this game. He will also give him a contract extension and will exempt his father's family from taxes in Knoxville."

Lane Kiffin asked the fans standing near him, "What will be done for the man who beats the line on this game and removes this disgrace from Tennessee’s stats? Who is this low life Gator that he should defy the team of the greatest program in the SEC?"

They repeated to him what they had been saying and told him, "This is what will be done for the man who beats the line on the game."

When Fulmer, Tennessee’s corpulent coach, heard him speaking with the fans, he burned with anger at him and asked, "Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few good Raiders in Oakland? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the massacre."

"Now what have I done?" said Lane Kiffin. "Can't I even speak?" He then turned away to John Chavis and brought up the same matter, and the co-ordinators answered him as had Fulmer. What Lane Kiffin said was overheard and reported to Mike Hamilton, and Mike Hamilton sent for him.

Lane Kiffin said to Mike Hamilton "Let no one lose heart on account of this Gator; your servant will go and fight him."

Mike Hamilton replied, "You are not able to go out against this Gator and fight him; you are only thirty-four, and he has been a five star quarterback from his birth."

But Lane Kiffin said to Mike Hamilton, "Your servant has been coaching at USC. When a Buckeye or a Fighting Irish came and took the lead from my Trojans, I went after it, struck it and rescued the victory from its mouth. Your servant has defeated both the Buckeye and the Fighting Irish; this lowlife Gator will be like one of them, because he has defied the greatest program in the SEC. The offensive schemes which have delivered me from losses to the Buckeye and the Fighting Irish will let me beat the line on the game with this Gator." Mike Hamilton said to Lane Kiffin, "Go, and your offensive schemes be with you."

Then Mike Hamilton showed Lane Kiffin his quarterback. Lane Kiffin fastened his resolve and tried to teach Johnathan Crompton how to pass, but it was no use. "I cannot play him," he said to Mike Hamilton, "because he is no good." But no alternative was provided. Then he took the highest paid staff in the nation, chose Eric Berry, Montario Hardesty, and eleven true freshmen from the depth chart, restructured all his schemes to accommodate Johnathan Crompton and, with his play chart over his mouth, approached the Gator.

Meanwhile, the Gator, with his offensive line in front of him, kept coming closer to Lane Kiffin. He looked Lane Kiffin over and saw that he was only thirty four, blonde and handsome, and he despised him. He said to Lane Kiffin, "Am I a two star recruit, that you come at me with freshmen?" And the Gator cursed Lane Kiffin by the memories of 30-6 and 50-29 . "Come here," he said, "and I'll give your flesh to the Florida fans in the Swamp!"

Lane Kiffin said to the Gator, "You come against me with a Heisman trophy and strength and time outs, but I come against you in the name of the best program in the SEC, the team from Tennessee, whom you have defied. This day my offensive schemes will hand you over to me, and I'll beat the line on this game and force a turnover. Today I will give the egos of the Gator team to the Volunteer fans in the Swamp, and the whole world will know that there is a new coach at Tennessee. All those gathered here will know that it is not by Heisman or time outs that the game is won; for the true victory is Tennessee’s, and you will fall into our trap of sensationalism."

As the Gator moved closer to the end zone, Lane Kiffin’s team ran quickly toward the blockers to meet him. Reaching into his depth chart and taking out Eric Berry, he slung Berry into the game and Berry slammed the Gator into the ground. The ball popped out of his hands and was recovered by Dennis Rogan. Each of Tebow’s turnovers resulted in points for the team from Tennessee.

So Lane Kiffin triumphed over the Gator with Eric Berry, Montario Hardesty, and eleven freshmen; without a quarterback in the pocket, he beat the line on the game and humiliated the Gator.