Program Profile: Duke

ACC since 1888
Colors: Blue and White
Mascot: Blue Devils

Ok, I know there are teams we laugh at and say they’ll never amount to anything. Like Utah or Kentucky. They’re bottom dwellers from the dawn time and then have a break out season. But this is Duke. There’s no hope. Really folks. There isn’t. No matter how many times they compete with North Carolina for a Victory Bell. Why do they even have a football team?

Because apparently, back in the day they were decent. Fifty years ago they were winning ACC championships and in the past decade they were having winning seasons. You don’t pull the plug just because you’re grandmother gets a little dementia. And Steve Spurrier coached there, so it’s a little nostalgic.

Now I’m sure we’re all wondering why a Christian school would choose their mortal foe to represent them. In World War I there were an elite group of French soldiers known as les Dibles Bleues. Duke translated the term and applied it to their team to match their all ready established colors. Why did Duke have Blue and White uniforms? Because in the 1880’s a president from Yale visited. No kidding.

Program Profile: Colorado State

MWC since 1940
Colors: Green and White
Mascot: CAM the Ram

I’m sure they’re big in their little circle out west. They have the “Rocky Mountain Showdown” against Colorado and a “Border War” with Wyoming in which the Bronze Boot is at stake. They even have an in conference rivalry with Air Force. And the fans are trying. Starting in 2003 there has been a push for students to wear a “Green Forever” shirt to sporting events and around campus, and the governor has even signed a motion declaring April 18 “I Love CSU Day”. A really great segue would be ‘Too bad the football team isn’t trying that hard’, but they’re middlin’.

Program Profile: Clemson

ACC since 1896
Colors: Orange and Purple
Mascot: Tiger

Oh, Clemson. I’ve grown to kind of like them, mostly because they play a lot teams I really don’t like so I just got used to rooting for them. Even though they steal a lot from their SEC superiors. Their first coach out right stole their mascot from Auburn in 1896 and only Heaven knows why they got to nickname their plain ol’ stadium Death Valley when LSU clearly has a better call on it. I also don’t understand why Running Down the Hill is listed so often in the lists of top college football traditions. For those of you unfamiliar with this practice, before the game the players run down a hill. Yeah, real impressive. Ok, I admit there’s more to it. At the bottom of the hill, they rub a rock. Man, I’m really starting to dislike Clemson now.

But not as much Clemson dislikes South Carolina. The origins start with pecuniary tusslings in the 1890’s when Clemson was founded, so throw in something where you’re actually expected to compete hardcore and it’s no wonder they’re annual match-up, the longest continuous rivalry in the south, is called “The Battle for Palmetto State.” Until recently, they also had the “Bowdon Bowl” against Florida State since their former coach’s daddy coached for the Seminoles. And there’s an unsubstantiated rumor their game against NC State is called the “Textile Bowl”. I don’t blame them for keeping that one under wraps.

You know what Clemson does like? Spelling. Their fight song has no words, except to spell Clemson at the end. Their most famous chant is to count to four, spell Clemson Tigers, then yell “Fight, Tigers, Fight” for a while. Opposing teams invariably quake at Clemson’s intellectual prowess (unless that team happens to have cheerleaders that do the same thing).

The guy that the Heisman trophy is named after coached here (his first name was John). They claim an NC from 1981.

Program Profile: Central Michigan

MAC since 1975
Colors: Maroon and Gold
Mascot: Chippewas

Any school that can stick it to NCAA is a-ok in my book. That’s exactly what Central Michigan did in 2005 when the NCAA declared a ban on the appearance of “hostile and abusive” mascots at championship events; Central Michigan was like, “The Chippewas love being represented by us” and the NCAA had to back down. Awesome.

Not so much their football team this century. They way outperformed themselves in 2006 posting final numbers of 10-4 including a bowl win. Sometimes they’re referred to as part of the “Directional Michigan” (along with West and East), though maybe we shouldn’t because it’s a little bit mean. But they don’t do themselves any favors by competing for the insular Michigan MAC trophy. And if you think about, maybe the MAC wouldn’t be so maligned if they weren’t saddled with so many mediocre schools.

Play It Again, Sam

The US-Slovenia game has started the ‘soccer should have instant replay’ dust-up that happens every so often. The outcry against common sense rests it’s argument on “tradition” and “the beauty of soccer is the controversy.” It gives me flashbacks to the introduction of instant replay in football.

Some of us used those very same arguments. I was new to the scene and didn’t have a strong opinion but remained wary. Now that instant replay is part of the fabric game, I can refute both arguments.

First: tradition. In the course of human history, it has been tradition to bleed people in hopes of curing the flu, take months for a message to cross the Atlantic, and for players to die on the field due to lack of protection. Technology has improved our lives, and we should take advantage of it.

As for lack of controversy: it’s been five seasons since we began using instant replay in the contemporary sense, and no one can claim the game has become a black hole of people behaving complacently, golf clapping, and accepting final scores like a Valentine. Oh no, controversy abounds.

But it’s controversy tempered with fairness. There is legitimacy to the claim that the US should have played better in the first half and never been in that position; we use that argument in football as well. It’s an un-American argument. We’ve got a tradition (oh, that word) of caring more where you finish than when you start. The Slovenia game was a microcosm of the American spirit: start behind the eight ball and pull yourself up by the boot strap. Unfortunately, this game added the modern truth that you’ll probably get screwed over anyway. However much we may deny the possibility of achieving the elusive “American Dream”, Americans believe in rewarding hard work despite any missteps along the way.

Anyway, to pull this back to football, let me refute a meme I’m absolutely sick of: football is inferior to soccer because it takes longer to play. Negatory. Football and soccer take about the same amount of time to play. What slows down football is the mucking of tv executives. Granted, the built in time stoppages make football more susceptible to commercial abuse, but that’s not against the sport. You can thank our capitalistic, consumerist society for that.

All that to say: instant replay is good and no more to be feared than that new-fangled smallpox vaccine.

Program Profile: Cal State, Fresno

WAC since 1921
Colors: Cardinal and Blue
Mascot: Bulldog


They’ve adopted an attitude of “playing anyone, anytime, anywhere”. That moxy has paid off; since the century opened they’ve defeated ten BCS teams—including in three bowls (against Georgia Tech, UVA, and UCLA). They’re reported to have the noisiest fans in the WAC. They have a seemingly random “V” on their helmets, but it actually stands for San Joaquin Valley, the 250 mile radius around campus that lacks any other sort of sport. They’re supported by their students in the “Red Zone”.

Look for Timeout, the bulldog, on the sidelines. In the early ‘20’s there was this bulldog that hung out on campus and wouldn’t go away and so of course everyone loved him and he eventually became the mascot and the tradition has continued (though I presume he’s bred now and not just picked up off the street). The colors Red and Blue represent not only Fresno State, but what peaceniks they have in California. When it came time to vote on colors back in the day, the girls wanted blue and white and the boys wanted red and white. Instead of sending the girls back to the kitchen, they compromised.

Oh, What Could Have Been

With the crisis over, recovery from Expansion Fever begins. A process which, most likely, will never be complete. Just as we learned during the War, when brother goes against brother, things got ugly right quick, and not even a hundred and fifty years after reunification has healing finished.

Interestingly, it’s not the Big 12’s stepdaughters kicking up holy hell and threatening their AD. It would make perfect sense for Kansas, say, who will be making less than the Texas schools and bearing a larger brunt of buyout fees from its former siblings to be upset. No, their pleased as punch their big college days aren’t over.

Rather, it’s beauty queen runner up A&M fans raising the ruckus. Though all the ink has been spilled over Texas, but, contrary to popular belief, Texas can’t save any conference single handedly. Boise State’s former association with the WAC reveals the fallacy behind that idea. Texas needs A&M like a bride needs her maid of honor.

However, A&M is just about over always being the bridesmaid, never the bride. They’ve got a sense of history, spirit, and tradition more akin to the competitive spirit of the SEC than the money-grubbing of the Big 12. Let’s face it- what true college program wouldn’t want to be a part of the best conference in the nation? Schools like Texas, who balk at equitable financial distributions. I used to hate the Aggies so much I wouldn’t even speak of them (and trust me, I love talking about things I hate). But by eschewing the Big 12’s royal treatment to strive for the glory of playing down-in-the-dirt, honest competition, they’ve claimed a spot in my favorite teams. In retrospect, it was kind of cruel to let them think they’d be joining us, just to have that collapse at the twelfth hour.

When I first heard that the pleading emails to jump ship were upsetting A&M’s athletic director so much he called one particularly vicious correspondent with an offer to fight, I was appalled. But then, we’ve got coaches threatening to beat up reporters, so maybe the Aggies would be an even better SEC fit than anyone at first realized.

Sorry, Aggies, it’s not going to work out for you this go round. We’re not adding teams willy-nilly, so who could we get at this time to counterbalance you? But when the inevitable happens, and the IA scene melds into a giant Eur-Asia, I will welcome y’all with open arms.

Birth of a Nation(al Sport)

It’s that time of the decade again when our country divides into two factions: Americans who claim to lovelovelove soccer even while admitting they only ever watch the World Cup and thus really have no idea what they’re talking about, and Americans who hatehatehate soccer and declaim negativity about everyone and everything associated with it. This is merely a microcosm of the world, which is divided between people who hate soccer (Americans) and people who embarrassingly miscall it football (everyone else).

So what’s the cause of this athletic Tower of Babel? Grab a few friends and perform my smash-hit play to answer for yourself (if you’re an arts-hater, a more academic explanation can be found over at Slate).

(1863, British sporting pitch. The coaches speak with funny accents.)
Coach Barnacle: Oi say, what a lovely day for a game of this new fangled sport we call association football.
Coach Pippyhoff: Right-io. Association football is utterly exciting. I don’t think the queen herself would have expected a forward pass to cause such thrills.
Coach Barnacle: Indeed. But, I say Coach Pippyhoff, I believe young Chathamwhipper there picked up the ball and threw it into the goal. Please have him penalized, since the use of hands is clearly prohibited in association football, as it states here in my team’s rule book.
Coach Pippyhoff: Dreadfully sorry, and I don’t mean to be contrary, but if you’ll look here in my team’s association football rule book, you’ll see the use of hands is explicitly encouraged.
Coach Barnacle: What a predicament! It seems all these teams are playing association football by their own rules! How uncivilized!
Coach Pippyhoff: Quite so. I dare say we need to call a meeting and codify these rules so we can avoid any further embarrassments in this manner.
Coach Banracle: Cheers.


(London tavern.)
Coach Pippyhoff: Good evening, gentlemen. We are gathered here to go absolutely barmy off this ale. And also codify the rules of association football. Now, after reviewing ever so many proposed rule changes, it appears we have reached an agreement on nearly every aspect, except two: the use of hands as a legitimate tool of play, and…shin hacking.
Coach Barnacle: Dearie me, dearie me, who could possibly approve of such a dangerous technique of shin hacking.
Coach Blackheath: I do! It’s good for our prissy little schoolboys. What, what! If little Lord Fauntelroy never gets a good shin hacking, what do you think he’ll do when he fights our next war against the French? He’ll be a surrender monkey, I say! For the sake of national security, shin hacking must be allowed- nay, encouraged.
Coach Pippyhoff: Well, this is quite uncomfortable. My apologies dear Blackheath, but it appears the majority of this league of civilized gentlemen are against shin hacking, and thus a prohibition against such must be codified.
Coach Blackheath: Hmmph. We’ll be speaking French before the year is out. D’ya’hear me? Before the year is out!
Coach Pippyhoff: Now then, about the use of hands…
Coach Barnacle: Oh, no, no, no. If we allow our sportsman to use their hands what depths will our nation sink to next? Eating with our hands? No, no, it will never do. Hands are only useful for sporting lovely white gloves, like these.
Coach Pippyhoff: Very nice, indeed. I do hope you’ve remembered to apply your lotion so as to avoid any rough drying-
Coach Barnacle: Of course, of course, sir. I’ve come in possession of a lovely lavender variety. Would you like a smell?
Coach Blackheath: This is bollocks! Where would Lady England be if our brave boys had not defended her honor with hand to hand combat! Can’t you see how running a hundred yards with a ball in your hand provides essential military training to our impressionable youth! This is mollycoddling! Before I know it, you’ll be putting shin guards on the chaps.
Coach Pippyhoff: What a heavenly idea!
Coach Blackheath: Rubbish! This entire meeting is rubbish! Sirs, I leave you to your pansy association football. As for me and mine, we will play rugby football, named after the great Rugby School where our boys are taught to kick at shins and roughhouse with their hands in preparation for the inevitable French invasion. Good day, sirs! (He exits.)
Coach Barnacle: What an unpleasant gentlemen.
Coach Pippyhoff: Quite so. Well, we’re all codified then. Every association football game will be played by the same rules, which include no hands and no shin hacking. I believe this association football council has concluded its business.
Coach Barnacle: Might I be allowed to open a piece of new business?
Coach Pippyhoff: I suppose.
Coach Barnacle: I daresay association football is a rather long title for a sport. Would anyone find it awfully offensive if we merely called it football?
Coach Pippyhoff: Splendid idea! Then we’re decided. Association football is hereby nomered simply football. Now, Coach Barnacle, do tell about this lavender lotion.

(American tavern.)
Bob: Ya hear what they’ve done in the ol’ motherland?
Tom: Nope.
Bob: They all sat down and came up with one set of rules for association football.
Ted: So every team has to play by the same rules?
Bob: Yep.
Ted: That’s why we left that socialist country full of commies.
Bob: I think they’ve got a good idea.
Tom: You sayin’ you hate America?
Bob: Hear me out. If we all played association football with the same rules, we’d spend more time playing the game and less time having fatal brawls about who’s cheating who.
Ted: So?
Bob: So association football could become a million dollar industry. There could be college teams and professional teams and logos and licenses and television contracts…but only if more points are scored than people sent to the hospital.
Tom: You really think there’s money to be made from this?
Bob: Absolutely.
Tom: Shoot, what we are waiting for? Let’s establish some rules.
Bob: Now the major thing we need to decide: hands or no hands.
Ted: Hands, definitely. What kind of pansy is afraid to touch the ball with his hands?
Bob: Agreed. Here in America, we play association football with our hands.
Tom: (sighs)
Ted: What’s the matter Tom?
Tom: Association football? Too dad gum long. Let’s call it football.
Bob: Ok. Here in America, we play football with our hands!
Tom: (sighs)
Ted: What now?
Tom: I kind of liked playing without hands. Everyone looked so funny, waddling around like penguins.
Ted: Why should we have to decide? America was founded on the ideals of democracy. We’ll play both ways and let the people decide which they like better.
Tom: We get two sports for the price of one!
Bob: What would we call the no-hand sport.
Ted: Umm….
Tom: Association! We play football with hands, association without hands.
Bob: Really? Association? That’s a super dumb name.
Ted: We could take the s-o-c from association and add a random c-e-r making soccer.
Tom: That’s not silly or convoluted at all.
Bob: Soccer it is.
Ted: Here’s to football, which we play with our hands just like we did with our favorite association football rules.
Tom: And here’s to soccer, which we play without our hands just like some of us did with the other association football rules.
Bob: Here’s to America, the two sport nation!

(The end.)

Crisis Averted

Just like the Cuban Missile Crisis, Expansion Fever has come and gone and the anticipation was much worse than the final event. In fact, for real college football fans, the new alignments are fantasies come true. With twelve teams each, the PAC-10 and Big Ten can now stage championship games and level the BCS playing field somewhat. Of course, the Big 12 now has to ixnay its game, but hey- whatever keeps Texas happy.

There are many teams I hate in the college landscape. Notre Dame, A&M, USC, Oklahoma, Ohio State, Michigan…that’s just off the top of my head. Texas has always been on that list. UT was a school before they were even a state, yet they steal our logos, then sue us for using them. They’re copycats and, like everything else in Texas, vastly overrated. I believe everything is bigger in Texas, because egos sure are.

Yet. Tennessee and Texas have a special relationship akin to the US and Great Britain. When the chips are down, we pull together. Plus, I’ve got family down there. So I have, on occasion, rooted for the Longhorns.

No more. The way the conferences have fallen over themselves to snag the Austin market is one thing. Disgusting, but understandable to some degree. But I had no idea until all this started breaking how unequitably other conferences distribute their money. Were I a Big 12 fan, I would be ashamed that not only are schools like Kansas, Iowa, and Iowa State receiving a much smaller piece of the pie, they’re going to end up paying Colorado’s bailout fees to keep the conference together so the rich can get richer.

It’s also scary the beating tradition took during this fiasco. That’s what makes college ball different- the pageantry and century old rivalries. But some commissioners have turned their teams into mercenaries, up for the highest bidder. Texas made the right decision, even if not for the right reasons.

The SEC gets almost everything about college ball right. We have the best stadiums, the best bands, and the best records. Now the nation knows we’ve even got the best financial distribution system.

Apocalyptic Exodus Begins

I was all for expansion when the "10" conferences contemplated adding two teams each so all the BCS conferences that matter would have an actual championship game and add some level of fairness to the bowl system. When they began acting like maniacal supervillians gone mad with power creating mutant sixteen conferences, I was skeptical and disgusted. But surely that wouldn't actually happen...

And then it did. I can't imagine the backroom deals that are being made with Colorado's announcement of moving to the PAC-10. It's like the allied powers dividing up Europe after WWII, except no war in this case. They've decided to carve up the landscape and rip up rivalries just for kicks. If by "kicks" you mean money. The special advisor to Texas A&M president told the AP "any decision A&M makes will be based purely on its financial impact and not on more intangible elements, like preserving tradtions and rivalries."

I don't believe the mega-conferences can sustain themselves indefinitely. Nor do I think they will necessarily kill college ball. But we have indefinitely waived the smokescreen that college ball represents anything more than a dollar sign to the powers that be. Here's hoping the future is not as bleak as it looks now.

(I can all ready tell you I'll have more to post/revision tomorrow. But while the conferences were driving themselves to an uncertain future, I was driving myself to Nowhere, North Carolina. This post was the very first thing I did after my exhausting journey.)

Program Profiles: Brigham Young

Mountain West Conference since 1938
Colors: Dark blue, white
Mascot: Cougar

Shocking but true: not only do they claim a national championship, it was even a consensus one. In 1984 against Miami. They’re a pretty good program. Unfortunately, not so much at the beginning of this century. And the first time they brought a live mascot to the field (in the ‘20’s), it escaped and killed a bunch of livestock. Whoops. But don’t count them out completely. There’s Y Mountain, a flocking point for students during Homecoming. They’ve got a fierce rivalry with Utah, referred to instate as the “Holy War”, and the Beehive Boot is given to the instate school with the best record. The Wagon Wheel, a salute to the pioneering heritage of the schools, is given to the winner of the Utah State game. Their dance team is dominant in national competition. They schedule decent out of conference teams, and they have a built in fan base with the Mormons. Not only that, the fans travel well. Who knew?

Yes, The Mission Is Open

Let me offer a mea culpa for being a terrible missionary. The off season got real quiet, and I forgot to at least offer up my program profiles. So let’s get up and running with some updates from the season’s biggest cliffhangers.

1. It appears Urban Meyer actually did have a medical condition beyond Swelling Ego Paralysis. Still, his esophagus does not explain his ‘now-I’m-coaching-now-I’m-not’ mentality.
2. The Texas Tech lawsuit is indeed being an ugly, drawn out process. With tit-for-tat punching, though not as dramatic as perhaps we anticipated.
3. The whispers of conference expansion have started a veritable avalanche. Rather than ruminate on the pending ruination of college ball, I’ll leave you with this comparison.